For those friends of mine that tend to walk the paths with me when I celebrate, when I laugh and even when I cry out in horrible pain.. I want to say THANK YOU. Each of you bring a little something different but as a collective whole, I am reminded of how truly, truly blessed I am.. even in the midst of the crisis i’ve been struggling with of late. One of my friends posted a video on my Facebook wall and as I listened, the tears started to flow and then it turned into the full blown “ugly cry“. The symbolism of how far and wide my friends are spread paralleled the distances traveled to make a video in which I was not involved. Yet no matter how far the physical distances.. love and support transcends across it in less time than it takes for light to travel. And they are standing beside me.. respecting my need for space to sort through my thoughts yet near enough to remind me that they care. How amazing is that? How can I ever repay you? There are no words that come close to relating how this makes me feel.
If you are in touch with your emotions (or like me, you feel them in technicolor), you are likely familiar with the ugly cry. I have been trying to tote this load on my own.. my emotions are so strong and sometimes so scary that I am afraid to share them. I figure that my true friends will accept my idiosyncratic behaviors at times and even embrace the wacky side of me but i’m not really sure that I can accept how scary my thoughts have been lately so I certainly can’t expect others to understand. I am afraid to share them.. they are dark. And terrifying. I don’t know that I would act on them but they are in my brain.
NO.. don’t start calling 911 and say i’m threatening suicide. I’m not. It’s bad enough but i’m not ready to take a dirt nap just yet. I am struggling.. my identity is questionable. It’s a frightening place to be when the only real purpose you’ve known is gone. Yes.. i’ve been here before but somehow it is different. I’m alone in my head with my thoughts and escape seems futile. But escape I am seeking in other ways.
I will be leaving town for a much needed break.. time to reflect, time to get away from the very walls that such a short time ago seemed to wrap me with love. They are closing in on me and I feel as though i’m suffocating yet I know that in the recesses of my mind, i’ll be taking it with me. But for the next several days, I am putting MYSELF first. I have taken the steps necessary to secure the welfare of my animals and for at least a short time, I will do my best to focus my mind in a different direction.
I have much to be grateful for and I plan on practicing it until it becomes a habit. For all of those that have surrounded me with love and compassion.. I am going to count you in my reasons for having an attitude of gratitude. I am proud to have such wonderful friends. You are all amazing and I love each of you.