Oct 062011

For those friends of mine that tend to walk the paths with me when I celebrate, when I laugh and even when I cry out in horrible pain.. I want to say THANK YOU.  Each of you bring a little something different but as a collective whole, I am reminded of how truly, truly blessed I am.. even in the midst of the crisis i’ve been struggling with of late.  One of my friends posted a video on my Facebook wall and as I listened, the tears started to flow and then it turned into the full blown “ugly cry“.  The symbolism of how far and wide my friends are spread paralleled the distances traveled to make a video in which I was not involved.  Yet no matter how far the physical distances.. love and support transcends across it in less time than it takes for light to travel.  And they are standing beside me.. respecting my need for space to sort through my thoughts yet near enough to remind me that they care.  How amazing is that?  How can I ever repay you?  There are no words that come close to relating how this makes me feel.

If you are in touch with your emotions (or like me, you feel them in technicolor), you are likely familiar with the ugly cry.  I have been trying to tote this load on my own.. my emotions are so strong and sometimes so scary that I am afraid to share them.  I figure that my true friends will accept my idiosyncratic behaviors at times and even embrace the wacky side of me but i’m not really sure that I can accept how scary my thoughts have been lately so I certainly can’t expect others to understand.  I am afraid to share them.. they are dark.  And terrifying.  I don’t know that I would act on them but they are in my brain.

NO.. don’t start calling 911 and say i’m threatening suicide.  I’m not.  It’s bad enough but i’m not ready to take a dirt nap just yet.  I am struggling.. my identity is questionable.  It’s a frightening place to be when the only real purpose you’ve known is gone.  Yes.. i’ve been here before but somehow it is different.  I’m alone in my head with my thoughts and escape seems futile.  But escape I am seeking in other ways.

I will be leaving town for a much needed break.. time to reflect, time to get away from the very walls that such a short time ago seemed to wrap me with love.  They are closing in on me and I feel as though i’m suffocating yet I know that in the recesses of my mind, i’ll be taking it with me.  But for the next several days, I am putting MYSELF first.  I have taken the steps necessary to secure the welfare of my animals and for at least a short time, I will do my best to focus my mind in a different direction.

I have much to be grateful for and I plan on practicing it until it becomes a habit.  For all of those that have surrounded me with love and compassion.. I am going to count you in my reasons for having an attitude of gratitude.  I am proud to have such wonderful friends.  You are all amazing and I love each of you.



  9 Responses to “Namaste”

  1. Enjoy the silence wherever you may be blessed to find it. It is usually the best medicine for me.

  2. big hugs. do what you need. been feeling very similarly lately. take care of you.

  3. just the most profound expression I have read in AGES! I so appreciate it– I think we may be much more alike than I ever realized( I mean I barely know you- yet!) TRANSITIONS are tough— from one life season to another– on whatever scale we operate…
    I started this WLS journey putting myself as #1 priority 2 years ago next month– and I have held fast to this placement..(even with daughter #2 moving back home) For a week in TJ I was QUEEN- servants, ring the bell- what can we do for you this moment to make your life better?– ahhh the transition to my real home– like a bucket of cold water– not icy– but still!-lol) so I say again- I am thrilled you are getting in the rightful #1 spot in your own LIFE!–GRAB the brass ring girly- CAPTURE THE FLAG– and don’t let it go—sweet southern breezes- to your back as you journey New England– lucky girl

  4. Haven my dear,
    I’ve been where you are and know that you’ll come out the other side as I did. I was only able to do that by sharing as you’re doing. Your blessed southern heart is only resting while you mourn, and your purpose will be revealed when God knows you’re ready for it.
    Know you’re loved, Nancy

  5. Haven, there must be a full moon. I have been questioning my very being – what have I done to make a contribution to anythng.

    Go in peace and come home in strength. We are but a blog away from all the love you can stand.


  6. Ah Haven,

    You’ve just expressed a lot of what is going on in my heart and head. Depression is kicking my ass, but yesterday I started a supplemental antiD and am already feeling better. Wishing you a productive healing time away from home and hoping you come home refreshed.

  7. Haven… You really are NEVER alone… and you are LOVED by SOOO many. Me included. I am so glad you are going away to relax and take care of you… I honor your space and always hold space in my heart for you, if and when you need to let it flow…well me and my green heart chakra will be here to listen, if not here to hold you in a place of unconditional love.

    I love you much

    Miss T

  8. Do you. We’ll be here. xoxox